31 March 2012

Ugh, Not Just an Ugly Boot Name


Three days out of surgery I'm remembering how trying to be normal doesn't work.  I am capable of doing a lot more than I was the last time, but it's not making me feel very well.  I'm going to have to get some more help and take it easy next week.  Anyone local want playdates for the kids?  Can you pick-up and drop-off?  (I'm still on driving restriction.)

I can tell something ain't right because I'm hot and cold at the same time.  My left incision hurts.  The antibiotics I'm on are messing with my stomach and making me nauseous, and I'm pretty sleepy.  On the plus side, my right side is terrific with no pain, good range of motion and a nice tidy incision.  The left incision is no more than a two or three on the pain scale, so I'm off the narcotics.

But I want to crawl back into bed and not get out for a week.  That kind of behavior got me in trouble the last time - limited mobility, fatigue, weight gain, loss of strength and cardio fitness.  And I just feel - ugh.  

29 March 2012

Surgery Update

Dan has asked me to do a post to bring everyone up to speed.  When last I left you, I had done a pre-surgery wax job of pits and face. Tuesday night I developed a nasty case of hives on my face.  It was so nasty the I was sure I'd just screwed up my surgery date, since most anesthesiologists won't touch you if you have a rash or allergic reaction.  I popped some benedryl and pulled out an ice pack and spent the evening trying to calm down my face.  By Wednesday morning the redness was mostly gone and I had only a slight texture to my face.  It was good enough for the hospital.

I am, for the most part, an excellent patient.  Nothing by mouth past midnight, all nail polish and jewelry removed, eyeglasses to Dan to hold. I talked to the  nurses, anesthesiologist and then my surgeon. He drew a road map of where to cut and paste and then they put in the IV (poorly) and gave me the versed.  Case closed. I awoke in recovery very nauseous.  They loaded me up with all sorts of anti-nausea drugs but nothing was working, which is why it took about five hours to get out of there.  They wanted to make sure I'd be able to take my pain meds and keep them down.  I popped some tums when I got home and that helped tremendously.


I had a couple of mild doses of Vicodin, but this morning I switched to the ibuprofen.  I slept pretty good yesterday and last night and this morning and then Dan and I drove out to the arboretum and walked for an hour.  I slept some more after that, then I walked up to school for a fourth grade presentation.  I slept after that and then got up for dinner and a shower.  I'm back in bed now and looking forward to some drugs and sleep again.
This surgery is not NEARLY as painful as the last. I am having a slight problem on my left side.  My incision is still bleeding and it stings.  I'll be calling the doc first thing in the morning about it. Dan says I front loaded all the pain by having the first part of the reconstruction piggy-backed onto the mastectomy and he’s probably right.  My chest is sore like I've done too many push ups, not like it was sliced into yesterday.

I'm not able to use my arms, but my legs work fine and the doc released me to start walking as soon as I felt like it... which was today.  If I am up to it, I'll walk tomorrow as well. If not, no worries, I'll resume when I do feel up to it. Dan has secured a number of sick days and has Wed, Thurs, Fri off. Hopefully by the time Monday rolls around I'll be able to function enough without him. We've got a little meal train going, I'm looking for meals next Wed and Friday if you'd like to help out.  We are really working hard on my recovery so I am eating tons of fruits and veggies.  If you have a favorite healthful dish, please share it.
I am sorry to say I have to take the Vicodin tonight instead of the ibuprofen because the ibu is a blood thinner and I'm still bleeding.  That means I'll probably be cranky tomorrow, because narcotics do that to me.  In any event I'm pretty tired, even without the drugs, so I'm heading to bed at 7:30.

27 March 2012

And Yet Another Post About Hair

Now that I am well on my way to having a head full of hair, and my eyelashes are getting long enough to put on mascara, and I'm back to having to shave various parts, and I'm in surgery again tomorrow, I felt it was high time I put into practice what I'd learned from the last surgery.  I got my armpits waxed since I won't be able to lift my arms to shave for a few weeks and having the stubble on post-surgery inflamed skin was torture.  The waxing went splendidly as I only have feeling in about 20% of my armpits.  I can see me doing that instead of shaving from here on in because shaving a numb spot under your arm is like trying to shave someone else while blindfolded.

Another thing they don't tell you about post chemo hair growth is that when your body finally fires up those follicles again, certain places are very ambitious.   For me is was my jaw-line, which was sporting a fuzzy covering of fine blonde hairs, hipster-style if they'd have been a little coarser, but no 'stache.  I had that waxed off too.  From what I've gleaned from the message boards it's common for the follicles to start up all gung-ho and then ease off into normalcy.

This has left my face bright red.  I have errands to run and things to do and I'm stuck with basically, a bright red beard.  I'm just going to have to rearrange my day a bit.

26 March 2012

Another Milestone

I'm three days away from my next surgery.  On Wednesday, Two-Drain will cut open my chest, remove the hard saline-filled silicone balloons I've been lugging around, and replace them with my permanent silicone implants.  I'm feeling rather indifferent.  I was going to say ambivalent, but I don't have mixed feelings about this one.  Instead I'm not feeling much of anything. Except, perhaps, inevitability and acceptance.  I will be glad to be rid of the tissue expanders, because they are uncomfortable. And I really hope the implants will feel better, but I have no illusions about them feeling natural or me feeling whole. That's a real misconception and disservice to mastectomy (victims? recipients?) patients.  (Telling them to consider reconstruction ”to make them whole”). The truth is that whenever you lose something, there is a hole left, and while you might get used to having the hole there, and it becomes the new normal, the hole never gets filled in.

Cancer has affected my life many ways.  It has given me the opportunity and strength to say no to stuff I would normally (and sometimes begrudgingly) do.  It has forced me to look at mortality with a different view, including evaluating my parenting.  Have I given my kids the tools and taught them the lessons they need to be happy and healthy productive citizens?  It has shown me both my physical limitations and boundless potential.  And same for my emotional restrictions and infinity.

I am seven months (plus) from my diagnosis.  It's a small interruption, an aberration in my life.  By the time I'm a year out, my surgeries will have healed and my body (mostly) recovered from the chemotherapy.  I am currently trudging forward steadfastly. My stepping stones are more apparent, laid out before me and I'm working my way across them.  One more surgery, one more recovery. Working my way back to and beyond my fitness level when I was diagnosed.  Making the lifestyle changes required to lessen my risk of recurrence.  Improving my health overall. Continuing drug therapy for the next five years.  And taking what I can get out of this experience that is beneficial, while leaving the fear, pity-party and anger behind.

25 March 2012

Cancer Limerick Sunday!

Another fine Sunday is here
And I haven't a limerick to cheer
I'll ponder some words
And watch the spring birds
And the limerick will POOF! just appear

18 March 2012

Cancer Limerick Sunday

This week I decided 'No More!"
Responding has become a chore
Dump it not in my lap,
To yourself keep your crap
Your bullshit is such a huge bore.

17 March 2012

No Bull Zone

I have finally invested in a minimal word processor app for my iPad in a valiant effort to never lose another post.  I am hoping that this will spur me to continue journaling my stepping stones as I move forward.  I know I haven't been posting much and there are a couple of reasons for this: first, I'm starting to get busy with life again, and second, I'm just not doing that much thinking about this anymore.  The limericks are harder to write as my emotion around this whole experience begins to wane and as I had mentioned before, the piss and vinegar I had at the beginning of my journey has mostly been beat out of me by recovering from treatments.
  
Having not had a serious threat of death has left me with the feeling that my general outlook is much the same as it was before I was diagnosed.  I hear what other survivors say about cherishing moments and feeling like every day is a gift and living life to the fullest and I'm just not in the same place.  The only change I've really detected is that because I had a "get out of jail free card", (you know, the cancer card,) I’ve had a pretty awesome break.  And because of this, my tolerance of bullshit has diminished significantly. Go a few months without bullshit from people and when you are re-exposed to it, it is glaringly apparent.  And you know what? It doesn't have to exist because people are perfectly capable of knocking it off when they think you can't handle it, (like when you are sick.)

So even ’though I didn't put up with much BEFORE I got sick, I'm now not going to tolerate ANY.

The kids are trying their darnedest to force things back to normal, and I'm having to explain that Before Cancer was the old normal, and now we have a new normal, one where they are more responsible for stuff around the house because frankly, I was doing WAY more chores than them by the time I was their age and I'm not going to put up with their sorry-ass whining about it anymore.  We had both of them threatening to run away and go live with some other family last week so we must be doing something right.  My other tactic is that if they don't do their job, I'm not going to do mine.  I'll make dinner for Dan and I and they can eat cereal.  I have two weeks of laundry in my bedroom - they are bound to run out of clothes soon and when they do, they will be responsible for putting them away.  I don't think I'll be folding their laundry anymore, either. If they don't clean out the lunchboxes so they are ready to pack, I get to sleep in 'cuz they will be packing their own lunch.  I like where this is going!

I am extremely fortunate that my breast cancer was a blip, a mere 6 months (so far) of disruption.  I have one more surgery to switch out my tissue expanders for my silicone implants.  I know that recovery is going to suck, but it won't suck as bad as the mastectomy.  I am much weaker now than I was going into my first surgery, but even taking that into account, this one won't be as bad.  I hate that I'm just feeling like my major mobility issues are fading and it's time to throw another four to six week recovery period in.  But like I  said, I'm lucky. So in a week or so, I'll be somewhat incapacitated for a while.  I'm not planning on pushing my luck on the recovery.  Sorry kids, I'll be needing you to step up to the plate.

Another way I'm not tolerating bullshit is I won't be taking any from myself either.  I had quite the pity party while in chemo, to the tune of gaining 15 pounds.  I'll be working pretty hard on that for the next little while.  I'm feeling pretty good, (for someone who had major surgery six months ago followed by three months of chemo for a disease that could have killed me...)  I'm walking and using the elliptical.  It's wild how out of shape I was after the chemo - worse than I'd been EVER... it's like I hadn't done any physical activity for years.  I've started back at the gym and will continue until my surgery at the end of the month.  We'll have to see what's up after that.

7 March 2012

Filling the Well(ness)

Dan thinks I'm autistic.  He bases this on two things: first, I'm singularly minded when it come to tasks, sometimes to the exclusion of all else.  Second, I sometimes miss social cues.  I like to entertain at my house because that way I can't overstay my welcome, which is the cue I most often miss.  I don't think I'm autistic, but I can be quite dense when it comes to subterfuge, indirectness or subtlety.  One thing that this affects is my ability to actually gauge my own emotions and feelings.  I mean I know how I feel, but I can't always pinpoint the cause of it because I don't always notice when/why my moods change.  So it's hard for me to identify changes I can make or things I can do to make me feel better.

I had the good fortune to recently identify something that feeds my soul.  A couple of weeks ago I went to Vegas with some sisters, and then hung out in Palm Springs with my kids and my whole 'big' family. We had a big lifecycle event, (my niece's Bat Mitzvah,) and I got to see many people in my family that usually do not cross my path face-to-face.  Dan did not come with us because of work commitments, so I didn't have to 'worry' about him.  (My family, not his, and no matter how much your spouse loves your family, they just aren't as comfortable around them... I'm forever balancing needs and wants between my family unit - Dan, kids and me, and my family - sisters, father, cousins, etc.) 

Maybe it was because everyone was so happy to see me in person, (Oh!  She's alive!) or maybe it was the magical dynamic of total comfort mixed with a joyous occasion, but whatever it was, I came back home with renewed vigor.

I the past 10 days I've been kicking ass and taking names, knocking out crap that has been hanging over my head, (yes, I'm working on taxes, no I'm not nearly done,) as well as feeling generally strong.  I started exercising again, (after the debacle of over-doing it in January I had REALLY laid off of it,) I am eating better, and I haven't really had a bad day since returning.  (Although I may tomorrow as I start back with my trainer at the gym today.)  I've scoured the stove and exhaust fan, cleaned out cupboards, organized paperwork, wrapped up open projects and been nicer to the kids.



I was so worn out and beat down before going on vacation, and now I feel like a new woman, or should I say I feel like an old woman... I'm finally feeling more like myself.

4 March 2012

Ooops, I Did It Again...

I wrote an awesome award-winning post on the plane back from California last week, but stoopid, stoopid iPad Blogger app lost it.

So here's your Limerick:

Like Samson, now that I've grown hair,
I'm actually feeling quite fair
No longer so dour
I feel I have power
I'm back, bitches, I do declare!

1 March 2012

Things I've Learned About Hair

Having almost all of one's hair fall out is not a common occurrence.  There was so much I did not know about it when I started this.  Having done it I feel the need to impart some of my hard earned wisdom on the subject.

There are pluses and minuses to being suddenly bald:  While in chemo, when my body was having difficulty regulating my temperature, it was handy to be able to cool off/warm up by pulling off/putting on a hat. But I really felt the cold when going outside.  There are definitely two classes of hats - indoor and outdoor, and one needs a variety of each.  Hair falls out constantly for days.  I was pretty proactive about my impending baldness, but that led to 1/4 stubble everywhere.  And when I first shaved my head, it was itchy like crazy.  This can be managed with a lint roller.  Less hair to comb, more face to wash.  Showers are a breeze and I saved a bundle on hair care.  It took a while for my scalp to figure out what was going on.  I had some pretty major head acne for a few weeks.  People treat you differently when you are bald.

Some oak trees lose their dead leaves gradually in the fall, while others retain them until the new buds come out in spring and they drop all at once.  I thought I was out of the woods with my eyelashes when they did not fall out through chemo, but evidently they are more like a live oak tree.  All of my eyelashes fell out in the last two weeks ( ok, not all - I have about 7 left on my right eye and 10 on the left,) and I have 2 millimeter lashes all around.

While I did not feel the need to wear a wig, with a number of social engagements pressing I decided that I would invest in some fake eye lashes. Here is what I've learned:
1. Yes, the $10.00 lashes are worth it.  The $2.00 ones look like crap, (if you can even get them to stick on your eyelid.)
2. If you are going to get all glammed up with fake nails and eyelashes, do the eyelashes first.
3. Just putting on eyeliner works almost as good as messing with the fake lashes.

My hair is coming in, (as my sister puts it,) light black.  In other words, dark grey.  I also have some light grey left over from before the mass migration.  I haven't decided whether I'm going to color or not.