4 April 2012

Doldrums


I have two speeds:  go, and stop.  When I go, I go all out.  When I stop, I do nothing.  I have never been good at taking it slow or taking baby steps.  This is disastrous for me right now.  I had a terrific month in March, exercising, watching what I was eating and feeling well.  Surgery has thrown me back into the doldrums.  I would really like to spend the rest of the day, week, month, in bed.  I can literally feel my core muscles that I worked so hard on last month turning back into goo.  The doxycilin is making me nauseous so I have to eat and fruits/protein/veggies don't help.  That crap wants starch in my belly in order for it to feel better.

I'm a week out of surgery and I feel pretty good physically, except for having lost my groove.  Again, my right side is awesome, my left, lagging behind.  I am having difficulty feeling on top of myself mentally/emotionally.  Part of it is the exhaustion of having two kids bark "I'm bored!" thirty times a day while they are on spring break.  (Crafts, walks, playdates, ipods and books notwithstanding.)   Maybe I should make them do the taxes?  

I have tried to live in the moment during this whole journey, not wanting to have to deal with a kind of post-traumatic response after I'm 'done'.  (Will I ever be done??)  My feelings have changed, adjusted and matured. My knee-jerk reaction to my boobs turning on me was, "Off with their heads!"  I'm only now realizing what that means, how it is changing/will change my life and how much I miss having them.  My new normal hasn't shaken out yet.  I'm still too raw figuratively and literally.  I don't know how long it will take until the new normal feels normal.  I just know it isn't that way now.

But I want my life to return to normal.  Without any surgical or chemical roadblocks but with my new found enthusiasm for saying no to stuff I don't want to do.  I've got a whole lot of taking care of myself I'd like to get done.  But it's hard to start.  I want to be doing, not starting to do.  And so I find myself kind of in the doldrums.  If I can't go full speed ahead, what's the point?  (Not that I haven't already been gardening and doing stuff my doc said I wouldn't be able to do...)  I am eager to re-start my couch to 5 K program and get back to doing core work with a trainer at the gym.  I want to be able to drive to run errands and ferry the kids around.  My arm hurts but it's not bad.  I haven't had painkillers for days.