Second Guessing Second
In addition to second guessing my decision to do breast reconstruction, this weekend had me seriously second guessing my decision to be aggressive and absolutely do chemo.
Dr. Kimo really was unable to give us a percentage point of my chances of a recurrence without it. He listened to my story of my mom dying from her second bout and said, "alrighty then, chemo it is!"
I wonder what lasting effects this decision will create. Certainly lowering my chance of recurrence is cool, but what if they come out with something amazingly targeted in the next five years that will eliminate my chance of recurrence, and in the meantime I've permanently damaged some organ I'm going to want to work for some time, like a liver or kidney? If I only ate shoots and leaves for the rest of my life would my chances be even lower than with chemo? If I pray, scream, go live with beggars in India or remove all man-made materials from my environment would my chance of recurrence be even lower?
It is accepted practice to introduce weird drugs into a cancer patient, even when they remain quite unsure of the outcome. They basically administer them with an epi-pen at the ready, waiting to see if you're going to go into respiratory failure or anaphylaxis. And that's just for when you are there. All sorts of odd things happen after that - hot flashes, rashes, muscle spasms, nausea, diarrhea, constipation, infections etc. Who knows what the long term affects are? Will it increase my chances of dementia? Organ failure? Leave me prone to bacterial, viral or fungal infections? Lower my capacity to generate new cells in the areas that are currently being damaged? (Fast splitting cells like hair, nails, digestive tract, skin, etc.) Alternative medicine sites are extremely negative about chemo. Some people swear by the roots and shoots method, prayer or meditation, etc. And there are an equally weird number of holistic remedies out there as well.
Chemo is not a healthy choice... but for many like me, it's our only choice. And I knew that it sucked, but I didn't know it sucked this bad. I guess it's like childbirth - people can tell you it hurts more than anything else you've ever done but nothing really prepares you for it. (Unless you are one of those lucky bitches who pop them out with no trouble at all.) Did I need chemo? Not sure. Is it worth it? Again, not sure, because there's just no way to tell if they got all the cancer when they did my mastectomy. And even if they didn't, there's no way to tell if the chemo is finding it and eradicating it. And even if it is, there's no way to tell if more or different cancer will pop up in the future.
We'll see how the next one goes. I really did not know what to expect but now I've done one I assume it will be easier next time. I'll just expect to be down with flu-like symptoms for four or five days and call in reserves. I am starting to feel better, although I'm seriously worn out by the time half the day is over. More naps needed!
A comment was just made on the news yesterday about Steve Jobs, Farrah Fawcett and their fights with cancer. They did not go mainstream and lost their battles. As much as chemo sucks, there is a standard of care there that helps you win the fight. I have a girlfriend here taking chemo pills. Her side effects are minimal. Maybe check into that and if you need more info, let me know. XO - Gillian (gillianjones@dc.rr.com)
ReplyDeleteI love your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI have not had chemo. I did prepare to have chemo and had every intention of going through with it. I did not have a bilateral masectomy either, but I prepared for one and also intended to go through with it. Dr.'s like yours told me ...."Need to get your baby? Yes, well, let's just do mammosite radiation and tamoxifen". So that's what I did. I felt in my soul every day and still do, that they have no idea if they (I) did the right thing.
So here's what I know.... I don't know and likely will not know. I will not know if I should have had a bilateral, if I should have done lengthy radiation, if I should be taking Tamoxifen.
On first meeting with my oncologist, the conversation went ...
DR: In your case I don't know if Tamoxifen will really decrease your risk factor that much, so if you have terrible side effects we'll just take you off the meds.
ME: Well, what about my risk of ovarian/uterine cancer as a result of Tamoxifen?
DR.: Well, the benefits outweigh the risks.
ME: Even if I have a family history of ov/ut cancer? (and none btw of breast)
DR: Well......the breast cancer is what we are concerned with right now.
ME: ?????!!
Another conversation about the 10mg of Prozac I take two weeks out of the month....
ME: I've read that Prozac and Tamoxifen counteract each other so should I switch to a different antidepressant?
DR: They do, but if you think you need to take it then.....hmmmmm. I guess we could just double your Tamoxifen.
ME: Won't that just make the effects of the Prozac void?
DR: We'll just have to see. We can always just take you off the Tamoxifen if you need to take the antidepressant.
WHAT?!!!! Do I need to take this shit or not?
I cannot be the only patient you have who takes Prozac.
I think the sum of it is... I've never had a health problem. Hell, I've never even been pregnant. I have always been able to fix whatever is ailing me and move on and that is no loger true. I have/had cancer. (It frustates me that I don't even know what to call it -past or present).
I deal with it and some days it deals with me. It is a new reality in which I'm not entirely comfortable. I feel healthy, look healthy except for the side effects from the medicine I'm taking. It makes me feel sick - so why would I take it? I must trust (with education and common sense) that others may or may not know better. This is not something in which I'm practiced or patient.