Last weekend sucked. And while I was laying in bed feeling sorry for myself I started second guessing myself. The Chemo made my chest muscles spasm which felt pretty bad after Two-Drain had added 60 cc's to each expander the week before. And so I started second guessing my decision to do reconstruction.
No doubt had I opted for just the mastectomy my recovery from the initial surgery would have been faster and less uncomfortable. The big question is how 'comfortable' would I be going through the rest of my life with a completely flat chest? It would be like tattooing 'breast cancer' on my forehead.
When Two-Drain made the 'pocket' for the expander to go in, he did so by separating the pec major from the pec minor. They aren't really connected, rather they have a membrane between them that lets them move independently. The muscles are still attached at their insertion points - he didn't mess with that. The pec major is attached to the chest wall under the expanders. All he did was kind of slide in the expander from the side. So how does it stay there instead of shooting into my armpit when I lie down? He lifted the serratus muscle over top of the pec and attached it to close the hole in the side. So when I get expanded, I feel tension in my back along the serratus insertion points on my ribs. Additionally, I feel the strain in my pec, from the insertion points around my shoulder to my breast bone to the intercostal insertions on the lower ribs. My original boobs were sitting a good deal south of where my foobs are perched and I'm worried my foobs won't look age appropriate. I suppose with the right bra I could have put my boobs back where they started, but they were happier hanging around and it looked right on my body. One reason I'm not opting for my original size is that I think they would look ridiculous, like a shelf below my chin. Another reason I'm not going as big is because saline is denser than breast tissue, which means that if a foob and a boob were the same size, the foob would be heavier. I can't imagine MORE weight on my chest.
I've been expanded twice now, and I no longer look like 'Ken'. I'm sort of half-way between 'Skipper' and 'Midge'. (Albeit bald and 30 pounds overweight.) I have adolescent foobs. I'm thinking just one or two more and I can stop. I'm not shooting for Barbie.
No worries. :) From what I hear, even foobs will sag eventually. So for a year or two you can enjoy braless freedom (since they won't jiggle or point). After that you'll have to strap 'em back up.
ReplyDeletePS - I originally typed perky as a description, but who the hell wants to be perky. You'd have to start wearing pink and sporting blonde wigs.
Robyn, I completely understand your frustration with the recon process. We don't know going into it how much is really involved, no matter how many questions we ask.
ReplyDeleteBecause at the time we make the recon decision (to do it or not), we are also dealing with the BIG C. And if we're getting our boobs lopped off to get rid of the cancer, it is completely understandable that we want to replace them while still under anesthesia, since it is medically possible and why not spare ourselves looking like Ken when we can look like Barbie (kind of)? Lots and lots and lots of women get recon. How hard could it be?
IMHO, this is all too much to decide on and deal with at once. We make these monumental decisions at our weakest hour.
My BMX and TE placement was on Feb 3. Due to complications resulting in the loss of my right TE in July, I head back in to surgery Dec. 1 to replace it. I will be right back where I started from, only 10 months later.
Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe it!
But enough about me. I want to commend you on one of the most succinct descriptions of how tissue expanders are placed! It's hard for non-recon folks to really understand why we "feel" different and how the process works. Kudos. You explained it beautifully.
I hope your back pain lessens and your fills proceed uneventfully!
-Renn