FYI: I am feeling better today - less overall pain and malaise, a little more energy and motivation, much more hope.
My husband is an interesting individual. At times he is hard to fathom, part of why he calls himself an enigma wrapped in a conundrum, covered by mystery, but mostly I just never know what the hell is going on inside his big brain and why it seems to crowd out what appears to me to be obvious and simple. So it is with these diverse angles we approach my illness.
Dan never remembers anything he can look up. Why waste perfectly good brain space on a detail that can be found by googling it? (Mostly because he forgets to google it.) I prefer to keep lists, and bits and pieces in my head, which drives him crazy. He thinks it's passive aggressive for me to know that N has gym Monday and Wednesday, instead of putting it on the calendar. (It's on the list by her back-pack.) I like to do things a certain way, mostly born of trial and error. He prefers to re-invent the wheel constantly. It takes me too much energy to re-invent the wheel.
His family experience was very different than mine. Early on he dealt with types of illnesses I've not had to. On the flip side, I've dealt with our own flavor of dysfunction. Overall, it seems we've arrived at a good strong balance of coping and have managed to knit together a stable environment for the kids.
Because of his military training, or perhaps in spite of it, he can divorce himself emotionally from some volatile situations where I get too involved, likewise, because of my strong dissociation coping mechanism, I too can shut off at key moments. All in all, we seem to compliment each other well, which makes this journey easier.
Chemo makes me crazy. No other way to explain it. I get exceptionally frustrated with being unable to express myself. I give up hope after feeling rotten for days on end. I second-guess my decisions for moving forward. I take nail scissors to my hair and hack away at it.
This is why I love my husband. When we were discussing the hair incident, he was able to put it in a light where suddenly, it didn't seem crazy at all. And that made me feel much, much better.
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