24 October 2011

The Bad Part About Cancer



Up to now, I've been pretty upbeat about this whole cancer thing.  I did my surgery, I saw my doctors, etc. No problem.  This weekend began the worst part of my whole endeavor.  This is where the rubber meets the road. The surgery was pretty cut and dried, no pun intended, but having to subject oneself to medicine that is worse than the disease is both discouraging and medieval.


I am firmly convinced that in the future, chemotherapy will be looked upon like leeches.  What were we thinking?  So as I sit here in bed and feel my insides fighting against the poison I've had doctors introduce, I can only imagine the crap that's going on inside.  My skin and lips, the inside of my mouth and my mucous membranes are drying up and breaking down.  My stomach hurts from constipation, despite slamming 4 to 5 liters of water a day, in addition to other fluids.  I've been eating fruits, veggies and whole grain fiber - to no avail.  My head hurts, constantly, and Saturday morning I developed a fever.  I now have to gauge whether I want to take tylenol and/or ibuprofen to deal with the pain and risk masking an elevated temperature that could be the clue to some weird infection my body can no longer fight because I've destroyed my immune system.  And what is with the weird muscle spasms?  You know when you have a really big stretch and your muscles contract and then relax?  Well mine do the stretch part and contract, and then they won't let go.  Likewise I've got eye twitches, hiccups and don't even get me going on my chest.  My foobs are like clenched fists.  Is this really what we've come up with to fight cancer?  This is it?  'Cause I must say it pretty much sucks ass.


Dan cannot believe how much I've been sleeping.  Sure, I've been popping the ambien and Klonopin, but he's calculated that I've slept more in the past month than I did the entire year after Miriam was born. I'm not sure if I need the sleep or if it's merely a defense mechanism.  


Have I mentioned my head itches?  Hair should be starting to fall out by Tuesday - the girls will shave my head on Wednesday.


Planning is a special hell for me these days.  I have thoughts that pop up, like "N needs a small pumpkin to take to school on Monday," but the logistics of making that happen in any logical manner or time frame are just beyond my capacity.  I feel unable to deal with anything.  Dan doesn't know what I need from him and I can't articulate it.  I don't know what he needs from me and frankly it wouldn't matter, since I am officially broke now and can't do anything.  People ask me things and it's like they are speaking English, but I just don't see how whatever it is they are saying relates to me.  Communication is getting more and more difficult as I can no longer think of the correct words to express my thoughts.  It took me six weeks just to write the previous paragraph.  And forget about pictures... graphics are canceled until further notice.   


The only think keeping me sane is going for strolls - getting out in some fresh air and walking to loosen up my muscles and joints.  And that pretty well exhausts me.  I've got a doctor appointment today and we'll see how I weather that.  And I need to call the oncologist and ask for something for the cankers in my mouth.  


This is harder than I thought it would be. I hope I can forget about it soon.