Fall has come early for me this year. My summer was effectively over, when two weeks ago I was diagnosed. The lazy, hazy crazy days of summer were gone in an instant. I needed the kids to go back to school STAT! I needed to think about all those things that get done in the fall in order to get ready for winter - changing out screens for storm windows, wrapping up house projects, getting the pool painted and winterized, cleaning up the garden, (especially the container farm we have going on the front patio.) Starting up scouts and piano, and soccer, and Chinese lessons. Filling out the forms for school and Sunday School. Paying fees, buying clothes for the kids, planning/making Halloween costumes, thinking about holiday gifts. That's the the level of detail I deal with all the time.
That's the stuff I'm gonna have to let slide.
We probably won't have Halloween decorations up. I'll have to order Halloween costumes on-line, we'll shut down the pool early and my sorry garden will have to be ripped out, the boxes emptied of soil and put in the shed.
I've been walking... a LOT. I find it clears my head, makes me feel good and I know it will help with my recovery to get some exercise in now. I am noticing signs of fall so early this year, like starting mid-August there were brown leaves littering the lawns. Not a huge amount, but here and there, and dead twigs strewn about. And this week there are even more. The squirrels are cheeky as ever, but with more urgency. I'm feeling like winter is already knocking on the door.
I usually really enjoy fall and look forward to winter after a long hot summer. But this year I'm not looking forward to it at all. I don't want summer to be over, despite needing to have the girls back in a routine that allows me to focus on me and get to doctor appointments. I'm worried that fall will also be abbreviated. I feel rushed and anxious about the season to come and I'm not ready for my winter.
I volunteer for the Halloween decoration detail!
ReplyDeleteIn the first weeks of my diagnosis a whirlwind of doctors, opinions and feelings emerged. Rushed would be an understatement. Almost like a number waiting to be served. I began to resent it and more than scared, I felt angry and often completely out of control.
ReplyDeleteI hope it encourages you to know that once the surgery was complete and the treatments and healing phase began I found a new pace of my routine life. A little chaotic, but less out of control. I have never been a "roll with it" kind of girl so in the beginning I found myself in constant need of anticipating my next move at home.... it was my way of controlling the outcome of my treatment. Positive, proactive and with determination and strength.
I can't predict your feelings, but I found that the post surgical cancer team (oncologists, radiologists, nurses/dieticians and supporters) set a much easier mental pace for me. I was able to build relationships and a comforting sense of familiarity that made me feel less like a number and definitely more in control of my body/mind.
So go ahead and wish Fall away and know that winter holds time with your family and friends. Find peace of mind that your girls will be busy and barely notice your fighting a battle. Rush through it - run through it. Some seasons of your life are meant to be savored and enjoyed. Others are meant to be behind you.