21 August 2012

Back Where I Started

August 11 was my one year anniversary of my diagnosis. It was also the anniversary of my mother's death from breast cancer. 'Nuff said.

I am officially, thankfully, and reasonably back to where I was this time last year, before my diagnosis. I've lost all the weight I gained and my cardio fitness is comparable. I'm generally weaker all over, but especially in my arms/chest. But I know I can work through some of that this fall when I re-start in earnest at a gym.

I don't have my big excuse this year so I will be putting some commitments back on my plate. For the kids, scouting is out, but gymnastics are in. Chinese will restart, and this year I'll join the kids so I can offer them more support with their home study portion. M expressed an interest in a fitness program called "Girls on the Run" and I told her I'd help with that. Music lessons continue. For me, I feel the need to either get more involved in my Temple, or pull out. I've started back with a study/discussion group and as in the past, I enjoy it. Yoga didn't work out for me, but I really like belly dancing and so I'm looking for a class or two a week where I can get my shimmy on. And I'll change gyms from the red-headed step-child of a big slick corporation in town to a more neighborly one. Worse case scenario, I can work out on base for free in a massive well-appointed gym. Or at a little one at the local community center.

I'm spending more time in the kitchen. Eating well is more time consuming than I thought. When convenience foods are eliminated, so is convenience! I sharpened my knives last weekend, and that was a big help, but my life is chop, chop, chop, cook, cook, grill. I'm still pretty much keeping to the food plan, although I've had some slip ups, which is bound to happen. I need to be able to make this work in real life, so when I mis-read a menu and get a salmon patty (probably made with some breadcrumbs) instead of a salmon slab, I eat it anyway. That's a big step for me. Non-binary action on my part takes a lot of emotional energy to carry out.

Our weather changed dramatically in the last week and it really feels like fall. This is a good time of year for me. More than any other time of year, it feels like a fresh start. Summer stickiness and lethargy is swept away in a flurry of activity as school begins for the kids and I'm able to get back into a routine. I like doing nothing over the summer, but more than a couple of months of that and I start pining for the certainty of schedules. This time floods me with nostalgia for new sneakers, clean haircuts and crisp notebooks.

This year, my fresh start is more keen than ever. As I move through open house, first day of school, filling out paperwork, et al, I have the sense that I lost an entire year, which essentially I did. I don't want to look back. Instead I am buoyed by the future, with a feeling that this will be a great year for us. I'm feeling stronger and more confident than I have for years. I'm healthy and grateful.

This morning I dropped the kids off at school, chatted with many friends and neighbors and then started my list of stuff to do: the car needs an oil change, I'm going for a walk, I need to call the Temple to offer to volunteer some time in the office. I finally feel that I am back to my regularly scheduled life. I'm thankful that one year out I'm able to say that. Now, I'd better go buy some new sneakers.