13 February 2012

Will This Year Be Different?

My Mom died of breast cancer about five years ago.  Per Jewish tradition, we buried her promptly and then went home to stew about it.  After some time had passed, we gathered again to remember her and place the headstone on her grave, signalling the closure of the official mourning period 'allowed' by our tradition.  Time to move forward in our lives.  Yearly my sisters and I remember both the season of her death in August, and the season we set the headstone in February, because NOBODY goes to Vegas in August and there is a long weekend in February when most of us can get away. You see, Mom was smart and planned ahead.  She knew nobody was going to visit her in the Pacific Northwest so she retired to Vegas and bought a plot there and we go visit every year.

I'm wondering if this year will be different for me.

I had been very close to my mother growing up, but in my 30's I took on a caretaker role.  When she was sick with cancer the first time, I went out to help, and in the process found her living quarters to be less than satisfactory.  I did a lot of cleaning out, repair and organizing for her. Again, when she was getting ready to move from Seattle to Vegas, I did the bulk of the work for her. She had difficulty getting started but together we eventually made it through.  But I was rather tough with her in order to slog through not just her stuff, but also the stuff that came out of my grandparent's residence when they passed away the previous decade.  It was a lot of stuff.  I was pretty judgmental.  She picked up on this.  Our relationship was never the same.

I've had a lot of time on my hands to just sit and think and just let my mind wander.  Some of my musings have re-ignited some old thinking about Mom and me and I realize I am not so very different from her.  And now that I have what killed her, I'm feeling a very uncomfortable kinship. I suspect that my visit this year will weigh more heavily than in years past.