When I was first diagnosed, I couldn't see or hear straight. My mind rushed forward, even 'though I had been suspecting it was cancer from the moment the ultrasound tech found it. But thinking you have cancer is very different than getting a positive biopsy result. Once you have cancer, you can never go back to not having cancer.
I have had a constant visible reminder of my cancer. My left boob looks different, funny, not right. After the biopsy, I could really feel the tumor. It hurt from the inflammation of the biopsy. That has calmed down somewhat so that I only feel it when I have pressure on it. (It hurts.) Today when I got out of the shower it was chilly in the bathroom for the first time in months. And I looked down and lefty looked normal. And I caught myself thinking, "Hey, maybe there's nothing wrong with me. My boob is back to normal." It was only a moment before reality came rushing in. I have cancer. In less than two weeks I'm having my breasts amputated in an effort to rid myself of the active tumor and lessen my risk of recurrence. I still feel everything is going to be ok, but it is definitely NOT going to be the same. I will be on pins and needles for the rest of my life. Every time I feel ill, I'll wonder if the cancer is back. Aches and pains, (and I'm starting to get a lot of them,) will never be routine. I'll not be eligible for life insurance. I'll have foobs (fake boobs) instead of boobs.
I have chosen a pretty aggressive course of action because a breast cancer recurrence killed my mom. I know it's the right thing to do. I know so much that I haven't given it a second thought. In fact I haven't thought of it at all. And now I'm scared. I don't know how this is going to make me feel. Less feminine? Less sexual? How will my husband and children react to seeing me naked? How will people react to seeing me with foobs? Will I forever be explaining that this wasn't a frivolous cosmetic upgrade, rather I HAD to have my boobs worked on? Will I mourn my boobs? Will I resent my new ones? Will I resent my friends for having 'real' ones? I have no frame of reference for this.
Will I have positive lymph nodes, requiring chemo? Will they find that the cancer has spread beyond my breast tissue? Will Dr. Boob be able to get it all? Will I be able to handle chemo and radiation if I have to get it? Of course, overshadowing all of this is: Will what I'm doing save my life? I'm trying to dismiss these other questions and focus on the big picture. It's hard to do.
These are ALL the things I felt for you, as soon as I got the news and read your blog. I was irritable, short-tempered, restless, tearful (you name it) and had to go out for fresh air (from work) way more than usual. I was already mourning the loss of part of your body, while at the same time so fracking in AWE of your attitude. Nothing but love & respect for the Robyn. I'll be sending as much love & light to you and the fambly as I possibly can.
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