15 September 2011

Silver Linings

A few weeks ago I wrote about the good things about my tumor. But there are other bigger better things to gain from this challenge.  I'll expand on that to tell you what gifts I feel I'm going to wrest from this wretched cloud.

Gratitude:
I have many blessings in my life. I was going to try to list some but they are ALL so important to me now that I feel I can't leave any out and quite frankly there are too many to list.

Revenge:
I've lost loved ones to this disease and I'm going to relish kicking its ass.

Health:
This may sound counter-intuitive, but really, now that I have this hanging over my head, I'm going to work harder at lowering my risks.  Extra weight and a bad diet are both risk factors.  I'll be addressing that.

Patience:
This is a tough one. I've always felt I needed more patience. First, Dan entered my life, and he was a real challenge for my impatience. Then I had kids and it became clear very quickly that what little patience I had nurtured through my interactions with Dan was quite inadequate. Especially since one of the kids was exactly like him.

Whether it's test results or a doctor's appointment where I can have my questions answered and be given options to review, I MUST wait before I can move forward. And remember, I'm kind of a ticking time bomb, so this is a delicate balance.

Balance:
I'm sure this will eventually become clear to me. I am a black and white linear thinker. I'm not there yet on how cancer will change that. I just know it will. Perhaps the fact that I'll be fighting this disease for the rest of my life will play into it. There is no cure for cancer. By definition, I cannot be cured. I can only stop the disease and hope that it never starts again.

Perhaps it will be the ability to finally see the big picture, instead of the details.  Being able to let go of folding the towels just-so, and just get them folded. (Or accept someone else folding them.)

Love:
A far deeper appreciation of my spouse. Nothing makes your love for someone as clear as a death threat.

Life:
A far deeper appreciation of life. Nothing makes the importance of life as clear as a death threat.

Strength:
Does one gain strength through a challenge or has it always been there and just show when tested?  I'm not sure, but I have surprised many (including myself,) with my ability to cope with this.

And last, (for now, because I'm sure I'll find more as I progress,)
Fearlessness:
I used to live in fear of doing something wrong, because I didn't want to regret something I'd done. What I didn't realize is that far more regrets spring from NOT doing something. I look back on the opportunities I HAVEN'T taken. I look forward to taking advantage of future opportunities, because time is finite for me now. I ultimately may not have less time than you, but I feel a sense of urgency now that it has been threatened. I will take more risks, I will enjoy things more.  I will.