25 August 2011

So how are we doing?

Here's a little up-date on how we all are doing, because it's like the whole family has cancer, not just me.

N - (7 year old) Acting out a bit, but honestly I can't tell if it's because she's anxious about starting second grade or if it's because I'm sick. (Although I suspect it's the former since I'm not really sick yet.) She did, however, ask me the other day if I thought she or her sister were going to get cancer - in an either/or scenario, as though one of them HAD to have it. Because I am now BRCA negative, I was happy to tell her that there are things we can do to lower the risk and because that risk is no higher for them than if I didn't have cancer, it's probable that neither of them will have it!

M - (9 year old) She is a little more thoughtful and appears to be internalizing what is going on. She has of late begun to come up to me and give me hugs, something her Drama 'Tween persona would not have allowed three weeks ago. She knows this is what killed my mom and had genuine fear about what will happen to me. She can tell when they are driving me crazy with their constant bickering and will back down to keep the peace, although she still ignores most of what I say as pertains to chores.


Dan - (Husband) A little history here. The last time someone he loved had cancer they died of it swiftly and turned his world upside down. That is his experience. Add to this a personality that is loathe to NOT be in control and you can see how this is turning into a difficult situation for him.

Dan and I handle things quite differently. Our strengths and weaknesses are generally very complimentary. But when he is stressed, he becomes somewhat emotionally needy, and when I am stressed, I detach. At first glance, it sounds like this incompatibility is going to kill us. But really, how would it look if we both became emotionally needy or if we both detached? I'm quite confident that with him consciously seeking emotional closeness from me along with other sources and with me stepping up and reaching out to him, we'll get through this ok. I told him I wouldn't be able to meet him in the middle but we are taking steps to get both of us what we need.

We are both concerned about the kids, but feel that by downplaying this and carrying on business as usual, they will sail through unscathed.

Support is pouring in from all sides. We are thankful.

Yesterday I got my hair cut. Based on the feedback I've received, some people get it, some people think they get it, and some people don't get it at all. I cut my hair for many reasons:
I feel different, so I want to look different.
I wanted to control something - it looks like I will have chemo and this haircut is a strong signal of what is to come, but on MY terms.
It's simply practical - I won't be able to effectively brush or dry long hair for 4 weeks after surgery, and I'm not going to want to deal with it.
This is merely phase one - I've always had a secret desire to shave my head.