7 February 2013

An Anniversary, of Sorts.

Today is the anniversary of my divorce.  I often think of this as an important turning point in my adult life.  It was the last break with my youth, as I met my first husband while still in my teens and stuck with him until my thirties.

When I finally broke free of the influence of my youth, I started to finish the work of becoming me.  I had been bound by certain conventions through my twenties, which I upended once I hit my thirties.  I became more independent, more interested in the world around me and more socially and politically conscious.  My values shifted from immature things to more serious concerns.  My goals changed as the focus stretched from short to long term.   And I stopped being so hard and developed some softness.

I have been spending a little time lately looking for lost classmates.  It is my 30th high school reunion this coming summer, and a few brave souls (not me!) have taken on the task of putting something together.  When I started this endeavor I couldn't name more than a dozen people with whom I graduated.  Now that I have dug out some yearbooks and photo albums, a few more are crystallizing.  It's interesting for me to look back on some of my artifacts from that era and see how different I was.

This indulgence in nostalgia and narcissism is well timed for me.  I am currently in the throes of re-making myself again.  My foray back to school, my thinking ahead to re-entering the workforce, my recent trip to crazytown and subsequent choice to medicate are all combining to produce a different emotional state than I've been living in for the past several years.  I had been treading water, (just keep swimming....) but now I feel as though I am finally growing again.