Depression
I have in the past been diagnosed with depression. I'm pretty self-aware when it come to the signs and symptoms. I know what to expect when I feel certain things and I usually know what to do. I've been on and off anti-depression drugs since I was in my early 30's. When I feel like this, it's time for me to go to my doctor and get a prescription for an anti-depressive.
Unfortunately I can't take anything right now because the class of drugs that typically work for me are contra-indicated with my tamoxifen. There are other classes of drugs that are OK to take, but I have tried them in the past and rather than leveling out my mood, they make me crazy. So I am now on Plan B, watching my diet, exercising regularly, going to bed at a decent hour, and lowering my expectations to conserve valuable and scarce emotional energy.
It's not working.
I struggle to muster the motivation to do even simple tasks. I would prefer to stay in bed all day. By the time the kids get home from school and I spend a couple of hours with them I am a basket case in need of a cool, dark, quiet room. Even as I fight to maintain a semblance of functionality, I see M slipping into her own funk.
This is new for her. She's starting puberty, where all sorts of stuff is kicking in. It's unfortunately a part of her make-up, given our family history. It hurts to know that she will have to wade through this. I'm glad I'm aware enough to help guide her, but I worry that I won't be able to - she'll have to discover for herself how to recognize and then deal with her symptoms and the underlying illness.
My answer for now is just keep swimming, and that's what I'm telling her.
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