Update
I haven't written for a while. This is a sign of many things. First is the fact that my life is kind of getting back to normal and I simply don't have the time or energy to devote to thinking about stuff and writing it down. Second, I'm spending most of my emotional energy dealing with the family's fallout of my cancer. Dan and I are working through stuff, M is acting out, I'm battling a slide into depression from stopping my Zoloft. Third I have some physical issues popping up, which are taking their toll.
With the treatment part of my cancer done, I really don't have to think deep thoughts like I did when I was first diagnosed. I don't feel the need to chronical anything, at least not like I did when I was deep in my journey. The blip is mostly over. I'm making fruit salad for teacher luncheons and inviting folks over to swim and bar-b-que. I'm buying grad gifts for family members and doing laundry and calling the plumber to have the back-flo preventer replaced. Normal stuff. I haven't decided what kind of volunteering I'll be doing. I just know that I will be much more picky about it and seek commitments that best match my skills. I'm taking better care of myself in some ways. By reducing my task and pacing myself, I've managed to carve out dedicated exercise time. I like to walk, but now I'm finding I like to run even more. I'm up to two miles (today!) as well as walking ridiculous mileage. I’ve started back at the gym and I'm doing physical therapy for some issues. (More on that a little later.)
Dan and I are also pursuing dedicated couple time. Cancer put an inordinate strain on our marriage - believe it or not, it was harder to deal with than the kitchen remodel, and that is saying something! N seems to have weathered the storm well.She had already been seeing a therapist and continues to do so. M is starting to act out. We aren’t sure if this is a product of internalizing while I was sick, or simply hormones. Time will tell. I'm really hoping all she's going to need is a real bra and ”the talk”. As I continue with my therapist, more issues emerge, not just from the cancer, but old stuff, new stuff and in-between stuff. It's all connected. I'm working to manage some depression/anxiety issue without turning to the meds that have kept me on an even keel for the past ten years or so. Good diet and exercise help, but I'm not always able to discipline myself to do that. Finding the sweet-spot between being productive and feeling overwhelmed is key. I'm not there yet. I feel inadequate as a mother, as a productive member of society, as a spouse. I have a lot of guilt about these things.
Physically, I've discovered that cancer is the gift that keeps giving. My AWS (axillary web syndrome) is greatly improved following six physical therapy sessions where they tugged, twisted, stripped, pressed and cupped my corded lymph system, leaving broken blood vessels and bruises along the way. As bad as that sounds, I have to tell you, it was worse than you think. I still have two or three sessions left, but I have now developed a case of lymphedema. My arm and hand began to ache Tuesday, swell Wednesday, and while I pointed it out to the PT Thursday, they focused on the pain and thinking it was tendon related, told me to lay off the weights for a few days. I sit here looking at my plump hand, I am reminded of an elderly aunt who had a radical mastectomy in the 70's and had ”elephant arm” for the rest of her life. The swelling has begun creeping up my arm. My wrist looks a little fat. I called the breast surgeon Friday for another referral to rehab medicine and asked where to buy a compression sleeve locally. In the meantime, more ibuprofen, my wonder-drug.
The onset of the lymphedema is one of those ”one step back” moments. I've been making insane progress on fitness, walking/running over 30 miles this week. I'm feeling as strong/fit as I was last summer before I was diagnosed, and then my body will tell me something else, put me in check, remind me that I was really ill and I'm still recovering. I was hoping I would be one of the lucky ones and never have to deal with lymphedema, but I guess I'll have to settle (?!) for being one of the lucky ones who gets to deal with lymphedema, rather than dying from this stupid, crappy disease.
With the treatment part of my cancer done, I really don't have to think deep thoughts like I did when I was first diagnosed. I don't feel the need to chronical anything, at least not like I did when I was deep in my journey. The blip is mostly over. I'm making fruit salad for teacher luncheons and inviting folks over to swim and bar-b-que. I'm buying grad gifts for family members and doing laundry and calling the plumber to have the back-flo preventer replaced. Normal stuff. I haven't decided what kind of volunteering I'll be doing. I just know that I will be much more picky about it and seek commitments that best match my skills. I'm taking better care of myself in some ways. By reducing my task and pacing myself, I've managed to carve out dedicated exercise time. I like to walk, but now I'm finding I like to run even more. I'm up to two miles (today!) as well as walking ridiculous mileage. I’ve started back at the gym and I'm doing physical therapy for some issues. (More on that a little later.)
Dan and I are also pursuing dedicated couple time. Cancer put an inordinate strain on our marriage - believe it or not, it was harder to deal with than the kitchen remodel, and that is saying something! N seems to have weathered the storm well.She had already been seeing a therapist and continues to do so. M is starting to act out. We aren’t sure if this is a product of internalizing while I was sick, or simply hormones. Time will tell. I'm really hoping all she's going to need is a real bra and ”the talk”. As I continue with my therapist, more issues emerge, not just from the cancer, but old stuff, new stuff and in-between stuff. It's all connected. I'm working to manage some depression/anxiety issue without turning to the meds that have kept me on an even keel for the past ten years or so. Good diet and exercise help, but I'm not always able to discipline myself to do that. Finding the sweet-spot between being productive and feeling overwhelmed is key. I'm not there yet. I feel inadequate as a mother, as a productive member of society, as a spouse. I have a lot of guilt about these things.
Physically, I've discovered that cancer is the gift that keeps giving. My AWS (axillary web syndrome) is greatly improved following six physical therapy sessions where they tugged, twisted, stripped, pressed and cupped my corded lymph system, leaving broken blood vessels and bruises along the way. As bad as that sounds, I have to tell you, it was worse than you think. I still have two or three sessions left, but I have now developed a case of lymphedema. My arm and hand began to ache Tuesday, swell Wednesday, and while I pointed it out to the PT Thursday, they focused on the pain and thinking it was tendon related, told me to lay off the weights for a few days. I sit here looking at my plump hand, I am reminded of an elderly aunt who had a radical mastectomy in the 70's and had ”elephant arm” for the rest of her life. The swelling has begun creeping up my arm. My wrist looks a little fat. I called the breast surgeon Friday for another referral to rehab medicine and asked where to buy a compression sleeve locally. In the meantime, more ibuprofen, my wonder-drug.
The onset of the lymphedema is one of those ”one step back” moments. I've been making insane progress on fitness, walking/running over 30 miles this week. I'm feeling as strong/fit as I was last summer before I was diagnosed, and then my body will tell me something else, put me in check, remind me that I was really ill and I'm still recovering. I was hoping I would be one of the lucky ones and never have to deal with lymphedema, but I guess I'll have to settle (?!) for being one of the lucky ones who gets to deal with lymphedema, rather than dying from this stupid, crappy disease.
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