8 December 2011

Finally Feeling Better, Third Round Rough Spot Officially Done

OK, I'm finally starting to come out of my dark days.  I'm out of bed, (mostly,) and attending to business.  I went grocery shopping yesterday and although it wiped me out, I was able to do it.  (As opposed to the weekend where I literally had to coax myself out of bed to go pee.)  I'm looking forward to going to the kids' Holiday Assembly on Friday instead of dreading it.

I have had some exceptionally gratifying feedback to my post about being entitled to piss and moan about my cancer. Most fall into two categories:  First - It's MY blog and I can write whatever the hell I want, and second, cancer sucks and I have every right to express how I feel about that.  Of course I understand I can write what I want.  But I do need to be mindful of my audience.  Some of my readers are close friends, some are family, some are strangers.  And I also want to stay true to my originals purpose, which was two-fold: To be able to sort out, articulate and otherwise deal with this phase in my life.  I need to clarify my thoughts and feelings on what's happening to me in order to make sense of it.  I feel much more proactive, a driving force in my illness and treatment when I understand what's going on.  In that respect, I gain some control over what is otherwise uncontrollable.  The second purpose is to spread my story - as a cautionary tale, as a guidebook, and as a day to day update where I stand.

Let me clarify what Nameless meant by telling me I should be more positive.  I believe they were merely encouraging me to try to look on the bright side - of which I think I've done a good job.  It's just that, (and I've alluded to this in posts and poems,) I have no bright side right now, (although I know one is coming in a month or so...) and y'all need to know where I'm at - remember one of my goals with this blog is to keep people informed so I don't have to field phone calls and such.  I REALLY don't want to talk on the phone much these days.  In fact, when I'm in bad shape after chemo, I mostly want the entire world to go away and leave me alone.  Bring me some Zico coconut water and a bag of peanut butter filled pretzels and then get the hell out.

It seems like the crazy was not as severe this third round, nor did it last as long.  Then again, Dan and I were somewhat more prepared for it.  I've been relying on third party help from sitters to walk the girls home from school, do their after school routine, (homework, snack and chores,) and hold the fort until Dan gets home.  This has helped tremendously, as by the afternoon, I'm mentally and physically burnt toast.  Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of offers to take the girls after school, but going for a play-date instead of coming home and doing what needs to be done leads to misery for us.  Mentally, I've been more aware of being critical and letting go of things that really don't matter, (but still bug me.) Of course it helps that I know I only have one more treatment.  And it helps that I've really cleared the schedule to the point of emptiness.  (Although empty is not really empty... it just means I have more time to do what I need to do to keep this place functioning, which I need as I'm less motivated and less able to work at my traditional pace.)

Today the sun came out both figuratively and literally.  I do not feel strong enough to go to the gym, my sleeping pattern is the shits, and I am still dealing with annoying side effects of chemo, but at least I'm up and dressed, can do my part to keep the household running smoothly and can enjoy a cup of chai.